Much Room for Improvement

This is where my battle continues. I have grown desperately lost and weak. Struggling to find where I am in life often hits me in the face pretty hard, and then in the heart. Well, if not one first it's definitely the other.
Things like continual mistakes really make you question your internal strength. It's not for wont of ending your struggles, but definitely a wont for the determination to do it. This is especially true when your mistakes aren't simply a matter of not doing something but doing something you know is wrong and has temporary and intense reward all its own. This reward is, of course, fleeting and leaves a trail of guilt behind it a mile long.

What I fucking need, is something worth fighting for. Maybe I just don't consider myself worth fighting for. God is worth fighting for, but the quality of his existence in my (and probably a number of other's lives) is a constant, never-ending element that doesn't seem to provide a temporal aspect required to fuel a fight to the finish.

God help me. No really, help me. I can't find the balance of letting go and taking up the fight. Relying on myself obviously is not a sole contingent. It doesn't work, plain and simple. If it did, I'd be ascended by now. And I don't even believe in the world's view of ascension. What does that tell you? Oy. That's what it says.

What I need to fight for is not human, it is spiritual. What in such regards, I don't know. I've prayed, but not enough. Considering the last week of ephereal freedom, I suppose it's not too far to consider that I've just had too much time on my hands. That is no excuse, however, and never should be considered one. Elements and excuses are not the same. I however, must continue to pray and consider, weighing elements in my life for the greater good of not only it, but the future lives that will depend on mine. How do I know this? Internal programming. I'm not Superman, but I know that what I do will be essential to something. My life is changing, and I am working harder to provide the greatest matte for God to use.

Tonight I fear I will retreat to some waterside arena to plead my case before the maker and request not only his forgiveness, but his help in putting down my own sinful nature will be greatly appreciated.

May God continue his mercy, and help me fight the shit within, eh?

-Mr. Michael