The Feeling of Transience

I'm already feeling like it's time for me to be moving on again. I can't peg why. Part of me mourns for that fact, the other part is resigned to it in a comforting kind of way, as it's my birthright, my life. It's difficult to begin that lifestyle without some way to facilitate it.

I don't want to job hop - rather I'd have a job that lets me do a lot of travel. I want to become a consumate traveler, addicted to the wind, but not alone. I suppose that's what sucks the most about this point in my life. It's not the desperation of love, but a strong desire for companionship. I suppose that's why I'm so looking forward to beginning a music career and/and finally get my books rolling so I can 1) go on book tours and 2) have the income to travel and write as I want. To get up and move to anywhere and be able to still work as I please as my only job will be to write a book, which I can do from anywhere, and can do better elsewhere.

What a life I want to lead! I pray to God he'll bless me with such. To up and move to Rome because one of my characters is in Rome so I can smell the air, eat the food, look at the wine (I don't drink, but they might LOL) and walk the city streets. Just the joy of such freedom as I'll have. I don't need a big house, just a small one I can visit often. I like cozy, I like warm and inviting.

I like the old Victorian-style homes, but I think I value the timelessness of such architecture rather than the architecture itself. I'm a timeless kind of person. I like things that you could do today and will still be good tomorrow. Writing a novel is more permanent than writing a newspaper. Singing a song that could be on the lips of someone tomorrow is better than a song people only like to remember.

I'm not a faddist, I don't like the newest haircuts or newest fashions. They come and go, just like excitement and pain. I like something warm that lasts.

Maybe I'm tired of sitting at a desk all day, but there're are few 'outside' jobs I want. I enjoy the outdoors, but there aren't many professional jobs my skills fall under that require working outside.

I should probably just put it to prayer, as all things, and trust in the Man Upstairs.

As always.

--+--

Ah the Tides of Sin and Such

Ah the tide of Sin and Such
Causing me to fall so much
Like a man calls for his crutch
I deserve the worser due

And while it had been only me
To fall into the hole so free
Now I'm dragging other trees
Uprooting them so too

Wasn't I quite satisfied?
I myself only have died
Instead making another life
To feel the sin I do

I deserve the worser hand
The scourge eating at this old man
The pain of misery so fanned
Like flames below the stew

Kill the demon within me
Like a virus and the flea
Constantly misery'ing me
I know they're in cahoot

Die, oh spirit, die today
Die from killing me this way
Into devils' dens we pray
We'd survive the fruit

Instead we sin and sin again
Burning souls while counting tin
With lives on-line in lusty spins
I'd weep for killing you

Or a bottle in the grip
Causing minds and worlds to slip
From the ways we find us flipped
Just like the heathens do

Bite my thumb at you, kind sir?
I don't think that it'd be pure
My angst is not against your cure
Instead at life you striking mute

So die with me, like it is said
That nothing better in the bed
Can be the wife now here instead
While adultery was due?

Kill me now, my Lord, with please
For dragging souls inside of me
To sins I cannot quickly flee
And dirty them so, too

I wish my tears were coming now
I wish my heart would fin'ly bow
To the power of the "Ow"
The painful signing clue

I beg forgiveness here this time
And a penance for my crime
A better prayer to stay in line
A wiser man in youth

Work through me since I cannot
While my insides reek and rot
From the strength I never got
And do as Gods may do

Cleanse my wretched soul of mine
Beating on in different rhyme
That matches none of God's own lines
In the music flute

I feel so dirty in this place
I dain to show this evil face
In a world where it is graced
A common thing to do

Instead I weep for I still yet
Wish to take these sins to bed
And give them whirls inside my head
What am I to do?

Perfect me, oh God I pray
And I will stand from this today
And remember everything was said
So I might see the truth

But dying seems to be my theme
Though I cry from all I've seen
The burn of sand inside my seam
That chafes away the glue

Here I end this prose and rant
Hoping I might soon lament
And change the things I ever can't
So I might be with You.

Amen

Where Alcohol Fits in My Life

It doesn't.

Biggest turn-off in the world to me, is to see the girl I'm with start drinking. It could be a fucking sip, and my stomach turns. I don't think alcohol is evil, but I have no place for it in my life, at all.

I almost feel hurt. Not because it would be intentional to hurt me, I just ... fuck. I just can't stand the shit. I've had one sip in my life. It was nasty. I see the things people do when they drink (even lightly).

I don't trust anything people tell me when they drink. I don't trust People when they drink. I just don't. I don't know why, I just don't.

I just don't.

The Letter

May 12, 2006

Good morning, Mr. Burns,

My name is Christian Michael. I’m an Air Force Public Affairs Specialist, currently stationed in Virginia. I will soon separate after six years of military service to finish my college education and start a new life.
I’m only 23, but I’ve experienced a lot. I’ve been poor, lived well, met many people and made many friends, lived on every major U.S. coast, have loved, lost and learned a few things along the way. I’ve lived in so many places, made so many friends, have seen much, and, God willing, I will see much, much more.
I’m a blessed young man. God has graced me with a strong voice, skilled in accents, voices and in song. I recently completed the rough draft of my first novel and my current job is as a staff writer for one of the best base newspapers in the Air Force. I take care of myself well, and I enjoy the life I lead. I am content with my life, and am grateful for it.
Despite the great life I see ahead of me, there is an element that I still feel the need to explore before I continue further. This element is an important part of my life I want to see fulfilled, an element that I have sought dedicatedly for the past eight years.
I write this letter because you are seemingly the end of my search.
I have never met my father, but my mother, Mary Crosby, has told me many things about him. Brian, son of Bob and Elaine with two sisters and a brother, worked with my mother at WBIA in Augusta, Ga. She described him as very tall, blonde with blue eyes, quite vocally gifted and very charming, if a bit reserved. She never spoke ill of him, and often told me how much I favored him, even to the same dimpled chin.
He and my mother were together Labor Day weekend, 1981. I was born almost nine months later on May 28, 1982. She has never been anything but upfront and honest regarding anything about my father, giving me one name each time I asked who he was: Brian Carter Burns.
Almost two years ago I ran across a profile for a passé reporter for KLFY 10 in Louisiana by the name of Brian Burns, whose picture portrayed a large blonde man with blue eyes and the same dimpled chin. My mother saw the picture and confirmed my suspicion that my search might be over.
However, the profile spoke of a wife with a child on the way. I was not going to disrespect this moment in their lives on the hope of finding my father, and so I waited. When I checked back after a period of time, I found he had moved on. I waited again and after another search, found that he had moved to the city of Beaumont, Texas, and was now working for Channel 12.
I do not seek to turn back time, nor do I seek to turn your world upside down. What I do seek can be kept between you and me until such time you see fit to tell anyone else. However you choose to take this information, I ask one thing from you: one meeting, me and you, face to face. I will come to you in your time and your location. I am open to any form of communication you need between now and then, as well – phone or e-mail.
I ask you not to dismiss this letter. From one man to another, I come seeking the truth, and my father. I will wait for your response.

Sincerely,



Christian Johnathan Michael

About Me

My e-mail
Christian.Michael@mac.com

My profile
www.myspace.com/farmarlin

My music
www.myspace.com/christianmichael1

My skills and pictures
homepage.mac.com/christian.michael/cjm/photoalbum6.html

My cell phone
757-618-4510


Contact me anytime, day or night, when you’re prepared to talk.

Sunuva btich

It's like getting kicked in the ass, over and over again. Only, it's more like it's in the balls, the kidneys, the stomach and then the face.

When Does Happiness Play a Part

Am I not allowed to heal? What the living hell, God? C'mon!
I find someone great and you say no. When do I start healing? This telling me no for my purposes for hers?

I want to heal from my past, but I can't even reconcile my present and the frustrations within are Terrible! What's going on? I'm just quagmired in something and I fucking hate it! I want to give it all up, and then I'm slapped in the face! I'm denied!

There is no amount of strength on my own that free me from my burdens, and you obviously haven't freed me yet. What must be done! Let's do it! We'll do it together! Or just you! Or just me! Or whatever! I don't understand!

Alright, so my past wasn't great. Who's was? I can't fix myself! I can't change my past! And my present in those issues is going nowhere! It keeps me in this vicious cycle that I want no part of but which I obviously have little choice in the matter!

Why can't it be let go? Why can't I just walk away?

And now I just lost a great girl because I'm not right and life fucking sucks.

Thanks alot.

JUST DO SOMETHING! Punish me for my sins! Purge me of them! Cleanse me! Change whatever the FUCK needs to be changed so I can move on and have a meaningful relationship with you, my mother, my future wife!

AUAUAUAHGHGHGH!!!!!

My Place in God

No woman, no interest, no job, no hobby, no sin ...

No THING shall ever come between me and my God.

I might be distracted for a little while, but he is my first priority. I'm not a saint, but I'll be damned if I don't dedicate what I can as often as I can as much as I can. In the quiet moments when the lusts of this world have burned off temporarily, I seek the will of my God in cold thought and reaching heart. This is acknowledging all of the facts and then reaching for God despite them, whether they support or discourage the pursuit of faith.

How does one pursue their own desires and pleasures in the absence of God's hand? One doesn't. One turns, prays they haven't taken a wrong turn, and runs back until they see God's hand reaching out for them. Always seeking, always searching, always in pursuit of the knowledge of God - who he is.

My goal, my love, my ultimate allegiance lies in his whispers to my heart. If I must walk away from a great woman, I will. If I am to walk away from a great job, I will. If I must walk away from myself, I will.

May I walk to God and stay there. I will need pursue no other thing as long as I pursue him - for his will add upon me all I need and could want. I need only focus my attention upon him - knowing, loving and adoring.

"Dear Father, I seek the pleasures you have allowed life to offer, but never at the cost of you in my life. May I ever seek you before them, and love you before them, and worship you before them, and dance in you before them. May they watch my gift to you and imitate for the life I lead in you.

May I always live humbly by your feet, where I can always touch, and you may always love.

Amen."