Numbingly Bound

What sucks is when you backslide and grow numb to the pullings of God. It just dissappears, but probably in a huff about my apparent barreling towards sin with all haste. I am not proud, but for the umpteenth million time I have failed to overcome my sin.

What do I do, God? What do I need to do to allow You to do that which you do so well? Hm? What? Soon internet will be gone from me, as cable. Perhaps then, will I be able to starve this unGodly hunger in me and trust in you for freedom. Perhaps. More like, God-willing.

I weep for my sins! My unstoppable, raging hunger that drives me to defy you again and again! What lesson do you wish me learn out of all this! I would love to learn it! I would love to live for you, again and again, but I'm failing! This is not pity this is frustration! This is ... losing my bearings while trying to climb a mountain. Frequently I end up upside down and climbing the other way. (At that point I realize I'm headed wrong way and just try holing up in a cave below the water-line, which during tides is not a good thing.)

Dear God, forgive me of my backslidings, my numbness of heart, and my want to do more. I ask you for your help, your strength, your fortitude of will to break through myself and give it all to you. I am greved, and I request your presence. Not to smooth out my feelings, but to help me overcome them and make them submit. This is not something Iwas raised to do; instead I hide my feelings, but that is not controlling them.

Please, help me. Help me become the man you want me to be, clean of sin and unrighteousness, full of your glory and splendor, used to do your will.

Lord, what would you have me do?