Novela stoppella

Now, I have no idea if my subject title is a real word in any language or properly cojugated, but, who cares, I made it up and I can do that if I want to! It's MY blog! Ha!

Not that a SINGLE person has ready it yet.

Well, they've read it but I have no comments, so I don't have any real connesouirs yet (did I spell that correctly?). Now, some knumbskull's gonna read this and be like: "Oooh! I'll write you a comment."

My advice: don't unless you have something worth commenting with or on.

Either way, but to my original reason I started writing this: I can't seem to nail down my novels. It's cuz I don't have all the research needed, nor the discipline to sit down and finish researching what I need. LOL!

So, I'm working on two major novels, well, one really while keeping the other in mind. I put "The Blue Destiny" of the "The Shipsphere Trilogy" on hold while I start "The Adventures of Far Marlin: Prarie Winds".

Prairie Winds is about a young man who follows God and lives an extraordinary live. He's not that special himself, he just is chosen by the Man upstairs. This particular story involves him heading to Idaho and becoming a forestry fire fighter.

That's where all the research comes in. I need to know What they do, How they do it, when they do what they do and why. Clancy, Crichton, a host of other authors hold the standard with factual information. I know it'll be one of my first novels, but I need to ensure I keep it as real as possible.

So I'm working to get this research down pat. I'm working through one novel about smoke jumpers and I realize that my main character can't be one, but I"ll find something. :)

Either way, it will all fall into place. It always does

-Mr. Michael

Numbingly Bound

What sucks is when you backslide and grow numb to the pullings of God. It just dissappears, but probably in a huff about my apparent barreling towards sin with all haste. I am not proud, but for the umpteenth million time I have failed to overcome my sin.

What do I do, God? What do I need to do to allow You to do that which you do so well? Hm? What? Soon internet will be gone from me, as cable. Perhaps then, will I be able to starve this unGodly hunger in me and trust in you for freedom. Perhaps. More like, God-willing.

I weep for my sins! My unstoppable, raging hunger that drives me to defy you again and again! What lesson do you wish me learn out of all this! I would love to learn it! I would love to live for you, again and again, but I'm failing! This is not pity this is frustration! This is ... losing my bearings while trying to climb a mountain. Frequently I end up upside down and climbing the other way. (At that point I realize I'm headed wrong way and just try holing up in a cave below the water-line, which during tides is not a good thing.)

Dear God, forgive me of my backslidings, my numbness of heart, and my want to do more. I ask you for your help, your strength, your fortitude of will to break through myself and give it all to you. I am greved, and I request your presence. Not to smooth out my feelings, but to help me overcome them and make them submit. This is not something Iwas raised to do; instead I hide my feelings, but that is not controlling them.

Please, help me. Help me become the man you want me to be, clean of sin and unrighteousness, full of your glory and splendor, used to do your will.

Lord, what would you have me do?

Much Room for Improvement

This is where my battle continues. I have grown desperately lost and weak. Struggling to find where I am in life often hits me in the face pretty hard, and then in the heart. Well, if not one first it's definitely the other.
Things like continual mistakes really make you question your internal strength. It's not for wont of ending your struggles, but definitely a wont for the determination to do it. This is especially true when your mistakes aren't simply a matter of not doing something but doing something you know is wrong and has temporary and intense reward all its own. This reward is, of course, fleeting and leaves a trail of guilt behind it a mile long.

What I fucking need, is something worth fighting for. Maybe I just don't consider myself worth fighting for. God is worth fighting for, but the quality of his existence in my (and probably a number of other's lives) is a constant, never-ending element that doesn't seem to provide a temporal aspect required to fuel a fight to the finish.

God help me. No really, help me. I can't find the balance of letting go and taking up the fight. Relying on myself obviously is not a sole contingent. It doesn't work, plain and simple. If it did, I'd be ascended by now. And I don't even believe in the world's view of ascension. What does that tell you? Oy. That's what it says.

What I need to fight for is not human, it is spiritual. What in such regards, I don't know. I've prayed, but not enough. Considering the last week of ephereal freedom, I suppose it's not too far to consider that I've just had too much time on my hands. That is no excuse, however, and never should be considered one. Elements and excuses are not the same. I however, must continue to pray and consider, weighing elements in my life for the greater good of not only it, but the future lives that will depend on mine. How do I know this? Internal programming. I'm not Superman, but I know that what I do will be essential to something. My life is changing, and I am working harder to provide the greatest matte for God to use.

Tonight I fear I will retreat to some waterside arena to plead my case before the maker and request not only his forgiveness, but his help in putting down my own sinful nature will be greatly appreciated.

May God continue his mercy, and help me fight the shit within, eh?

-Mr. Michael

Where Our Sin Has Fallen Twain

Sometimes I wonder how my mind works. Largely, overcoming obstacles in life is a matter of faith, regardless of who you believe you should put it in. In my belief, God is the object and directee of my faith, and I will always place it in him.

I often must come to terms with my own weaknesses, and then destroy them. I get the dirty feeling that I should rely more heavily on logic and belief in the mind before the heart can corrupt it. This is not a matter of fearing your heart, but preventing the whims of this world from swaying the truth you know. Truth is not known in the heart, it is affirmed in the heart. Truth is facts plus understanding of those facts.

Fact is that Bill killed Bob, and such a fact could imply that Bill murdered Bob, but murder and killing is not the same thing. Murder is killing for personal, ill-conceived intent. Killing is the removal of one life by another, even if that removal is in war, self-defense, or in commencing judgement by a larger body in order for the greater common good.

Where do our sins lie? How must we defeat them? They cloud our minds and fill our bodies. This is not simply the rantings of a believer in a simple moral code, but the universal code of right and wrong that no matter how often others deny its hold over their lives, they suffer inside because they know they have broken it.

Where would such a code come from and how could it be written in every single human? Murder in the animal world is not wrong. It is a matter of survival, and is only used as such, but we are not animals. If evolution is real, then why are we the ONLY ones who have evolved to such fantastic heights and all the others are gone? Would not evolution teach one species, perhaps another intelligent species on this world, that if we were dangerous to their survival, they should hide from us or kill us? Evolution is survival of the fittest, but so is natural life, and I don't believe the two mix. How?

I am a creation.

Why must man degrade himself to a cosmic accident rather than fess up to the authority he doesn't want? Denying the truth does not invalidate the truth, it simply signals to others that you are blind, and are willing to blind others to make yourself feel better. Such is the incomputable nature of stupid man.

If evolution were real, every human would work harder to survive. Instead, we find our ruts and destroy ourselves through gluttony, alcoholism, perversions of every sort - wallowing in our own filth, feeling sorry for ourselves and then angry at anyone who tries to help.

God help us all if we cannot own up to our mistakes, give our god-damned human-nature to him and embrace the life he has promised us from the beginning.

God save the queen? No.

God save me.

-Mr. Michael