When Does Happiness Play a Part

Am I not allowed to heal? What the living hell, God? C'mon!
I find someone great and you say no. When do I start healing? This telling me no for my purposes for hers?

I want to heal from my past, but I can't even reconcile my present and the frustrations within are Terrible! What's going on? I'm just quagmired in something and I fucking hate it! I want to give it all up, and then I'm slapped in the face! I'm denied!

There is no amount of strength on my own that free me from my burdens, and you obviously haven't freed me yet. What must be done! Let's do it! We'll do it together! Or just you! Or just me! Or whatever! I don't understand!

Alright, so my past wasn't great. Who's was? I can't fix myself! I can't change my past! And my present in those issues is going nowhere! It keeps me in this vicious cycle that I want no part of but which I obviously have little choice in the matter!

Why can't it be let go? Why can't I just walk away?

And now I just lost a great girl because I'm not right and life fucking sucks.

Thanks alot.

JUST DO SOMETHING! Punish me for my sins! Purge me of them! Cleanse me! Change whatever the FUCK needs to be changed so I can move on and have a meaningful relationship with you, my mother, my future wife!

AUAUAUAHGHGHGH!!!!!

My Place in God

No woman, no interest, no job, no hobby, no sin ...

No THING shall ever come between me and my God.

I might be distracted for a little while, but he is my first priority. I'm not a saint, but I'll be damned if I don't dedicate what I can as often as I can as much as I can. In the quiet moments when the lusts of this world have burned off temporarily, I seek the will of my God in cold thought and reaching heart. This is acknowledging all of the facts and then reaching for God despite them, whether they support or discourage the pursuit of faith.

How does one pursue their own desires and pleasures in the absence of God's hand? One doesn't. One turns, prays they haven't taken a wrong turn, and runs back until they see God's hand reaching out for them. Always seeking, always searching, always in pursuit of the knowledge of God - who he is.

My goal, my love, my ultimate allegiance lies in his whispers to my heart. If I must walk away from a great woman, I will. If I am to walk away from a great job, I will. If I must walk away from myself, I will.

May I walk to God and stay there. I will need pursue no other thing as long as I pursue him - for his will add upon me all I need and could want. I need only focus my attention upon him - knowing, loving and adoring.

"Dear Father, I seek the pleasures you have allowed life to offer, but never at the cost of you in my life. May I ever seek you before them, and love you before them, and worship you before them, and dance in you before them. May they watch my gift to you and imitate for the life I lead in you.

May I always live humbly by your feet, where I can always touch, and you may always love.

Amen."

Strength in Weakness

To seek the truth in one's fears ... such is the difficulty of anyone who seeks the power of God. Not for themselves, but within their lives. Who with eyes would not want to live within the family of the King? I know I do. To dine at his table ... to hunt beside him ... to walk along with him ... to have his counsel at every step ... who would not want a wise king to advise you in all matters? Whom you wed? Where you live? How you seek your living?

I'm reminded of old stories where friends of the king live with him, and do everything (other than rule, of course) with him. They become his family.

When we provide the king with all we have, all our estates, he becomes more powerful indeed, and in that strength he is better able to take care of us, by giving us all we have and all that makes us who we are. We become weak before him, humbled, and his.

We are his wives, we belong to him. We must obey and believe in him. He will take care of us in every aspect of our lives, if we seek not to do it of ourselves and seek only his power within us.

Seek us Lord, and take us home. Make us yours, your bride, your lover - take us as you would your woman. Court us as you would your love. Build within us as you would your best friend, and continue us as you would your family.

May we always be in your eyes the best of your creation, and the first in your heart.

Pervade your power in our weakness - where we fall short, make us strong. Help us fall hopelessly into your care and your power, with no hope of climbing out on our own, and helpless before you.

Amen